Behind the Chain Link Fence

At the end of 2014 I drew a picture that I called In Front of the Chain Link Fence.  It represents some of the feelings that I have about bullies and bullying, having experienced them throughout my life.  Behind the Chain Link Fence continues the theme that explores the issues that being 'different' attracts bullies.  I experience less bullying these days simply because I don't have much to do with people in general.  I had an issue professionally this year due to the communication difficulties that arise from autism.  Autism is a spectrum.  Some people don't speak, some speak a bit and some seem to be more 'normal',  The people that fall into the 'more normal' category have a difficult time because they seem at first to be 'normal' therefore the expectation off other people is that they can perform socially as well as anyone else.  It doesn't take long for most people to intuitively know that you are odd, different etc even if they aren't sure what it is about you that is unusual.  Quite often people interpret  someone with 'high functioning' autism as rude, not making an effort, aloof, disinterested and generally a nasty person.  To the autistic person this interpretation of their character is upsetting (we don't go out of our way to offend people) and worse, some of the unspoken social rules are a mystery to us so trying to fix whatever offence has been caused is out of reach.  All of this is frustrating. 

Behind the Chain Link Fence, pen drawing and gouache, A3

This  piece continues with the abstract style that is seen in my earlier drawing.  The fence is bent after years of plants and trees growing through and around it.  I think with this drawing, the fence is a representation of the mental barrier that I have put up throughout my life.  When I was a kid I spent most of my time in another place in my head which helped me get through the day.  It helped when the kids at primary school used to bounce me off the chain link fence in the school playground, punching me, taking turns to spit on me, kick me and call me names.  The kids in my class who were onlookers would tell me to cry and then the bullies would leave me alone.  Instead, I did not cry for them.  I looked at them with a stony face even when they punched me as hard as they could in my stomach.  They would do this on a regular basis when I was an infant (about 6 or 7 years old).  They were about 2-3 years older than me.   I would go back to my child minder's house after school.  Her older son who was about 12 at the time would pin me down in an armchair and lean over me with his knees either side of me and shove me in the chest.  Gradually he would move his face nearer to mine until it was touching.  I was scared that he would head butt me or spit on me (the spitting did happen).  I could go on.  Such is the life of many autistic people unfortunately.

Another aspect of autism I always thought hadn't affected me is facial recognition.  I've done the online tests which ask whether a person is happy or sad based on how their face looks.  I find that easy and pass these tests with no trouble.  These tests are not true to life.  Basically my problem is that I keep finding situations where people see me and start smiling and waving at me as though I should know them.  This happened last week at a hair dressing salon.  A lady sees me in there, smiles, starts waving and waits for me to react with the same sort of smiling and waving (I suppose).  Instead, I look at her completely confused.  'Why does this person seem to know me when I haven't got a clue who she is?' are the thoughts going through my head.  She sees that I don't know who she is so she tries to help me.  She says 'My son is in your daughter's class at school'.  This doesn't help because I have two daughters.  I ask her which daughter?  She says 'Isabelle'.  I'm really confused because not only do I not know who she is, she seems to know me and knows my kid's name.  Obviously she's seen me at school waiting to collect my girls and knows who is in her son's class.  It shows how much attention I pay to other parents at school!  I've been taking my girls to that school for more than 6 years.  This situation has happened a few times over the years.  I don't think I look at people's faces properly is my conclusion (although I'm not aware that I am doing this).  I suppose this is interpreted as disinterested and rude behaviour by other people.  That sort of interpretation is the excuse to progress to bullying in some cases.

In Front of the Chain Link Fence, pen drawing and gouache, A3